Bailout the Gold Diggers

Note: I wrote this about a year ago during the time of the bailouts.
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Guys this is serious. No one has been hurt more in this recession than Gold Diggers. As our country loses its Millionaires and Billionaires at an alarming rate, beautiful young women from every metropolitan city are being forced from their condos, left to fend for themselves on the streets without their Mercedes, Louis Vuitton handbags, unable to shade light without any Christian Dior sunglasses. Furthermore, this sharp rise in condo evictions is flooding our court system and causing considerable harm and embarrassment to the wives and children of the men who previously supported these Gold Diggers.

When one takes an honest and deep look into this situation, only then can one realize just how serious this crisis is, for all of us. Surprisingly the income needed to support the Gold Diggers of this country is approximately $30Trillion/year, that’s more than TWICE the Gross Domestic Product of our nation. More importantly they do not save a dollar, every penny they receive goes right back into our economy. They are the WET DREAM of any STIMULUS PACKAGE. Bailing out the Gold Diggers will provide an immediate boost to our economy. In fact, since the average Gold Digger will typically spend at least 2 to 3 times what she receives, they have the potential to get our economy completely out of this recession. Our nation can’t afford to lose this level of spending. To a lesser extent, our greater Los Angeles region can’t afford to lose Sunset Plaza, Rodeo Dr. and the whole of Beverly Hills. We need a national Bailout program of at least $5Trillion to support our Gold Diggers, bring back their spending, and finally teach our children that we do have a responsible government.

More important than the practical reasons to bail out Gold Diggers is our MORAL NECESSITY. Never has this planet had a class of needy more needy than Gold Diggers. They have no productive ability whatsoever. If they can’t rely on their bodies to manipulate men, they will simply starve to death. This is wrong and inhumane.

I know what you’re thinking, if the government is now footing the bill for their spending spree, who will the Gold Diggers actually be sleeping with for the money? One perhaps more humane solution to this problem that seems to be popular with the middle and lower class, NATIONALIZE THE MARKET FOR GOLD DIGGERS. Redistribute hot sex to those who need it most. Since Gold Diggers have no regard for who they sleep with, instead of sleeping with that fat hairy Armenian guy in the Bentley, a government program will be set up to make sure that she’s sleeping with a bucktooth farmer from the midwest who doesn’t even have access to porn, or the pimply 40 year old Dungeons and Dragons nerd who still lives with his mother and spends his love life beating off to computer generated anime girls, or maybe the Gold Diggers can do the most good at a homeless shelter. Imagine how happy these guys will be. When one thinks about it, the possibilities are endless.

We need change. The solution begins here with us.