I Put My Mom on an Internet Dating Site

My parents divorced over 2 years ago. Probably for the best. They weren’t getting along too well, and their 3 kids already left the house years before. My dad is not always a ray of sunshine. A tough guy who’s done exceptionally well for himself (especially considering he came from absolutely nothing) but often very difficult to deal with. My mom on the other hand is the sweetest lady on the planet. Always smiling, positive, very warm and easy for anyone to get along with. My whole life, I always hear about what a cool mom I have, and I guess I’m fucking lucky; therapist offices around the country are filled with people complaining about their mothers. Yeah, there were a couple incidents when I was little and pushed her buttons until the woman lost it with me, but I have no right to complain. She’s always been very supportive, and she’s my biggest fan, bragging about me to anyone who will listen. So I get protective when something hurts her.

When my parents split, she was sad and hurt. She started leaning on me a lot more, always wanting me to join her for dinner or a movie. I knew that if I didn’t come see her she’d just sit and play solitaire on the computer all night. I could not let it go on like this. And so I told her, “Mom, I’m putting you on the internet for dating.” She protested, saying she’s not ready for that right now. I didn’t care, I went to her computer, found a decent picture of her, uploaded it on Jdate, and announced my mom to the world of retired old jewish guys. “Now Mom, write a description of yourself”. Well, she’ll have to write that herself, I do have my limits. “Now Mom, go on a bunch of dates, meet people and have fun”.

After all, she’s a hot commodity on the market. Beautiful, intelligent, successful and with great energy. I’m not just saying that because she’s my mom, it’s all true. Ask my brother. Anyway, she doesn’t need anyone to support her, she’s kind of a hot shot star at Coldwell Banker, selling many large estate homes in the hills; often owned by celebrities and rock stars (part of her cool mom creds: she got Incubus their Malibu house on Morning View).

So she starts off internet dating with a bang. Lots of men. They’re showing interest and taking her on dates. She hadn’t been dating in 30-something years, so she’s calling me to ask about good places to go, and that honestly felt kind of weird, I didn’t want to send her to places I go or anything like that, and I really didn’t want to get too involved in the details. Well, very soon she starts seeing some guy seriously and stops jdate. And he was decent, but it didn’t work out, ending after a few weeks.

“Mom, I told you to line them up.” “Judd, I’m not like that!” she protested. “You’re my mom, I’m on your side here. Don’t argue with me. Line them up!” And so she did. And bam! Soon I couldn’t get any time to see her if I wanted to. That woman was booked solid with a different guy taking her out every night of the week. Fancy restaurants, exclusive lounges, these guys were trying hard to impress her. Of course, I knew she was a hot item on the market, but this is getting out of hand. And her attitude towards guys starts shifting. Before, she was excited when a guy showed interest and took her out. Now, all of a sudden with all this swarm of activity and interest, she starts getting bitchy to them. This one time she’s chatting with some guy online (my mom is chatting now) and he tells her he’s the director of transportation for a school district, so she asks “what are you a bus driver?”, and it turns out he is, so she closes his chat window and laughs to me later, wondering what she could want with a 60 year old bus driver. “Mom, come on, be nicer! The guy’s trying to reach out, don’t crush him. What the fuck mom? You used to be the sweetest kindest lady, and now your acting like some bitchy college girl.” That gave her the biggest smile, she loves hearing that.

When she met any particular guy she kind of liked, she’d want to set up a double date with me so I can tell her what I think of him. My usual impression, “Well, he’s nice, but kind of a boring old guy. Come on, find someone more interesting.” And then, she found someone more interesting. Prompting her to dump all the other guys at once. These other guys were pissed, but she didn’t care, or even try to break it to them gently. I felt like I’m watching a soap opera, only with my mom. I mean, seriously, I’ve never seen her out in the dating world, only with my dad my whole life. Didn’t know how well she could ruthlessly handle relationship drama. But I agree that she made an awesome choice. The guy she picked is cool, successful, intelligent, and has plenty of attitude. Sure he has his quirks and he refuses to get in the car with me driving ever again, but overall I can honestly say he’s a better fit for her than my dad. They’ve been an item almost two years now. And I am so fucking glad to see how happy they are together.